I don’t want to be loved

I feel like I have to make myself vulnorable to find a decent guy. I didn’t find a guy I thought I’d be with but I found someone that somehow knows the right things to say and do to not put me off. I’ve been in this mood where I want a guy to like me but I also want to figure out quickly what’s wrong with him so I can get rid of him. So now I’m seeing this guy who had me hooked from the first time we hooked up. That’s not something that ever happens, ever. He said he’s done some pretty crazy shit that should really send me packing but I can’t and I’m fucking petrified. He’s got so many red flags yet I’m still stuck. When I’m close to him I have to hold him and kiss over him and I know I’m just lonely. He’s just as lonely as I am and I told myself love is all about timing and right now our clocks are linked up. He makes me feel like weed does. When I smoke I get stuck, I get in a trance and I just want to stay where I’m at, and that’s what happens when he’s close to me. I hate it. I don’t want to like him but I’m just getting sucked right into his spell. This happened with Joe and that did not end well. I got committed and he left me. I know Kaleb is going to leave me and I don’t want to love him but it doesn’t feel like it’s going to be my choice.

He’s 23, tall and so handsome, he’s a rough neck and I have no business being with him, but he told me he just wanted to be fuck-buddies, but last week he asked if he could call me babe, he said he doesn’t want to hurt me. I thought if I just went at his pace and just followed his lead it would be easy. He’d come over every once and while and we would hook up. I would keep looking for a guy to date and he could have whatever chicks he wants, eventually I’d find a guy and we would drift apart. No harm, no foul. But he came over a couple of weeks ago and he never left. I’m away from him right now so I’m trying to shake this spell off so I can think clearly. I know he wants other girls, he talks about them he even said he still wants to fuck one of them. I’m nothing compared to this girl, she’s beautiful and so confident, and she wants him too. He’s only with me cuz he can’t have her but once she’s free and calls on him I know he’ll be gone.

I’m not going to be another dudes sucker. It won’t work if I try to let him go cuz then I’ll speed up him leaving me, but if I let things progress like it is I’m gonna fall in love and when he leaves it’s gonna hurt way worse. I wish he would just leave me alone so I wouldn’t have to worry about being hurt. I want to avoid self-fulfilling prophecies but I just know I’m about to get played again.

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