Now What?

I can’t change the moments of my past, I can only manipulate the ones coming at me to design a future I’m happy to live in.

Lost my job, and I haven’t really started the next one. I’m more than a little stressed. I finally thought my finances would be situated but I ran into another snafu, but it was my attitude that fucked me up. I still say it was my shitty rude ass boss but I can’t fix or blame others. Now what?

I can’t save up enough with just one job and I don’t want to add another delivery job to ruin my car. So I have to get a second job, I’m sticking with my plan of using pm for extra cash and the two jobs for bills. Also I hate that I need two damn jobs, but let’s be honest even when I didn’t need a second job I still got one. The issue is that I need two jobs to qualify for a studio apartment on my own.

There are two plans I’m going back and forth about. Should I leave Vegas with my tax return and try to make it in Portland, just like I did last year (this time in the spring)? Or use my return to get a apartment right here? I really like the winters here, obviously, they’re warm and I can save money on utilities.

No I want to go to Portland. I can take a huge risk and as soon as I get my return leave. That’s a big risk moving without a job or place to live, but I did it before in that city and this time I’ll have a car. It would’ve been nice to have my brother but there was no way that would’ve worked. He doesn’t want to be in Oregon and even though I came here even though I hated it he’ll never return the favor. There is a song called roots and I love it because it’s how I feel, I have no roots. I call my sisters the don’t answer, my mom doesn’t answer either but I can get her on the phone and she talks my ear off and I don’t feel alone anymore. My sadness keeps me from calling her more, it keeps me from calling my friends too. I just hate to only call people when I have issues, it feels better to cry alone.

I want to let my pain out and tell someone. I had a therapist but she sucked, I tried to find another one but it’s like finding a perfect stranger. Someone I can feel comfortable showing my weakness to. Someone who won’t bring up God and tell me how much I need Him. I don’t need an imaginary friend and when I’m going through it I need something real.

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